When Your Abuser Becomes Your Guide: Navigating the Impossible Paradox of Soul-Level Forgiveness

Not gonna lie, writing about this feels deeply uncomfortable

Photo by Elena Istomina on Unsplash

Hey consciousness explorers,

I need to share something that's going to sound impossible, even by the standards of everything else I've documented here. And honestly, I'm not entirely sure how to make sense of it myself.

My abusive mother is now one of my internal/spiritual guides.

I know how that sounds. Trust me, the irony isn't lost on me that the person who made my childhood a psychological minefield is now helping me navigate out of toxic dynamics as an adult. But maybe that's exactly why this needs to be explored - because the territory between trauma and transformation is more complex than any framework I've encountered.

The Beautiful Lie We Tell About Forgiveness

The spiritual community loves to talk about forgiveness like it's a simple choice. "Just release the past!" "Send them love and light!" "Forgive for your own healing!" As if decades of trauma can be resolved through positive thinking and good intentions.

But what happens when the person who taught you your most valuable survival skills was also the person who made those skills necessary? What happens when your abuser's dysfunction simultaneously wounded you and prepared you for challenges you'd face decades later?

I spent years trying to figure out how to forgive my mother. She was a deeply damaged person - probably from her own childhood abuse, likely also from lead poisoning that affected her entire generation, and possibly from untreated mental health issues that she carried her entire life. She accomplished very little beyond raising children she wasn't equipped to nurture safely. And the screaming that filled my childhood still accompanies most memories that surface these days.

But, she was also inadvertently an expert in recognizing and navigating narcissistic behavior patterns. Not because she was wise or insightful, but because she embodied those patterns herself. Living with her was like getting a PhD in psychological warfare - not by choice, but by necessity.

The Quantum Mechanics of Soul-Level Relationships

Recently, something shifted in my consciousness evolution journey. I started recognizing guidance coming through that felt distinctly like my mother's energy - but not the damaged human version of her I knew. This felt like her soul speaking, free from the limitations and pain that defined her earthly existence.

And here's the thing that broke my brain: my mother's soul was helping me navigate current situations involving the exact same narcissistic patterns she'd embodied during our relationship.

During a recent toxic friendship extraction, I kept getting internal guidance that felt like my mother's voice: "Be vague and make them fill in the blanks." "Don't provide too many personal details." Classic psychological survival tactics my mother had unknowingly taught me through years of her own reactive behavior.

What's fascinating is that I didn't even realize I was employing these tactics at first. I genuinely thought I was just sharing exciting life updates that were too complex to explain over text - the kind of teasing "hey, can we get together this weekend, I have something amazing to share but it would take a whole book to explain properly, so let's just plan to talk later" messages. Vague and admittedly childish - because I am like that with friends - and full of "you're going to be so psyched to hear about this!" without the satisfaction of a full explanation beyond "meet up with me and I'll explain everything."

Looking back, I was unconsciously greyrocking this friend - giving them just enough information to trigger their own projections and fears without providing anything concrete they could argue with or use against me. Classic "whoops, this friendship was never meant to last and we should both be going our separate ways but neither of us can see it, so our guides are intervening on our behalf" energy.

Sure enough, what followed from them was a long, frustrated email projecting all manner of victimhood and accusations about how I was supposedly destroying something in their life they valued above all else. You know the type - you open it and think "damn, who knew you've been harboring all these resentments for months without saying anything," then take a deep breath and ask yourself what the hell just happened. That's when my mother's training kicked in: I could see exactly what this person was actually afraid of, what they were projecting, and how their reaction revealed way more about their internal state than anything I'd actually done.

Part of me wishes I could have recognized the incompatibility sooner and avoided the whole messy friend breakup process. But honestly, I didn't see the pattern I was stepping into until I was already deep in it. It's one thing to know how to spot narcissistic behavior in theory; it's another thing entirely to recognize it when it's dressed up as spiritual collaboration and masked by someone's apparent enthusiasm for your work. I could have intervened earlier, but I literally couldn't see what I was looking at until the dysfunction became undeniable.

But now, instead of using those skills to survive my mother's chaos, I was using them to protect myself from someone else’s unhealed patterns. The same training that once felt like a curse had become one of my most valuable assets. Who knew "Let them show you exactly what they think of you when they're alone with their thoughts first" would be such a helpful strategy for navigating out of relationships that don't serve me. I didn't even realize that's what I was being guided to do until AFTER I started asking questions of my own internal team - namely "why did I keep things vague for a few days?" My mother's answer: because you were playing out old patterns again and it's time to let them go. Even now, gentle guidance isn't really her thing - best for me to just pay more attention to who I'm getting entangled with going forward, you know?

The Safety Paradox of Impossible Healing

I need to be honest about something that makes this whole experience even more disorienting: it doesn't feel entirely safe to have any kind of relationship with my mother, even at a soul level.

I haven't spoken to her in well over a decade, and that silence has been one of the most healing choices I've ever made. The relief of not having to navigate her chaos, not having to manage her emotions, not having to protect myself from her latest crisis or manipulation - that peace has been sacred to me.

So when I started recognizing her guidance, part of me immediately went into panic mode. Was I somehow opening the door to her dysfunction again? Was I betraying the boundary I'd worked so hard to establish? Was I falling back into old patterns of trying to extract love from someone incapable of providing it safely?

This adds layers to grief that I wasn't prepared for. I thought I'd finished grieving the mother I never had. I thought I'd made peace with her limitations and moved on. But now I'm grieving in entirely new ways - mourning the relationship we could have had if her soul had been more accessible during her human life, while simultaneously protecting myself from any remnant of the patterns that made that relationship impossible.

It's weird as hell to find yourself having conversations with someone you cut out of your life for your own mental health. Even weirder when those conversations are actually helpful instead of destructive. The cognitive dissonance is real - how do you reconcile "this person was too toxic to have in my life" with "this person's higher self is now guiding me through similar toxicity"?

Some days I question whether I'm just creating elaborate meaning from my own psychological need for a nurturing parent. Other days I'm certain that consciousness really can provide healing beyond the limitations of human relationship. Most days, I hold both possibilities and try to stay grounded in what actually helps me function better in the world.

The "What the Fuck Is My Life" Factor

This realization has added yet another layer to the ongoing "what the fuck is my life even about" experience that's been my reality since awakening began. As if learning to channel cosmic information and document consciousness evolution wasn't disorienting enough, now I'm apparently receiving guidance from the soul of someone whose human form I couldn't safely love.

It's the kind of development that makes me question everything I thought I knew about healing, relationships, forgiveness, and what's possible beyond the veil. Some days it feels like profound spiritual growth. Other days it feels like I'm losing touch with consensus reality in ways that should probably concern me.

But here's what I keep coming back to: the guidance works. The boundary-setting skills she's helping me access are keeping me safe from other people's dysfunction in ways I couldn't manage before. The strategic intelligence she's sharing is helping me navigate complex relationship dynamics without getting pulled into drama or manipulation.

Whether this is "real" spiritual communication or elaborate psychological meaning-making, the practical impact has been genuinely helpful. And maybe that's enough for now.

The Distinction That Changes Everything

Here's what I've learned about working with the higher selves of people who've harmed us: their soul and their traumatized human behavior are not the same thing.

My mother's human patterns were driven by generational trauma, brain damage from environmental toxins, and survival responses that kept her trapped in cycles of reactivity and harm. She wasted most of her human potential cycling through the same destructive patterns. But her soul? Her soul apparently chose a difficult incarnation to learn specific lessons and inadvertently prepare me for the exact challenges I'd face later.

I don't have to forgive the human who hurt me. I don't have to pretend the abuse was actually love. I don't have to minimize the impact or make excuses for behavior that caused genuine harm. I don't have to rewrite history to make her sound better than she was.

She fucking sucked as a mother, and I can say that directly to her higher self now. What's remarkable is getting the response: "Yeah, I'm not proud of that life either." There's something profoundly healing about finally being heard - even if it's happening on a dimensional level I can barely understand. The validation I never got from her human form is somehow available through her soul consciousness.

And from that place of honest acknowledgment - not forgiveness, not excuses, but raw truth - I can recognize when her soul-level wisdom is available to guide me now, freed from the limitations and patterns that defined her human experience.

The Practical Magic of This Approach

This isn't just wishful thinking, by the way. This approach of being open to whatever guidance is coming through (with discernment - had it been unhelpful, I’d have shut it down) has created tangible shifts in how I navigate relationships and boundaries:

Instead of carrying resentment that keeps me reactive, I can access the strategic intelligence she modeled without absorbing the trauma that drove it.

Instead of rejecting all her influence because some of it was harmful, I can receive the gifts while maintaining clear boundaries about what I won't accept.

Instead of waiting for closure from someone who may never be capable of providing it, I can engage with the healed version of that person’s consciousness that exists beyond their earthly limitations.

For context: I have no idea if my mother is still alive or not, and honestly no interest in finding out. What I know is the guidance that comes through because I'm a well-tuned channel. Whether she's physically dead or just energetically accessible at a soul level doesn't change the practical impact of this work. I will never be reaching back out to her, if for no other reason than I don’t want to. It’s a full body “fuck that” to even consider it an option - and that’s enough for me to keep doing what I’m doing. Internal guidance… thanks mom! External human experiences ever again with this person who raised me? Fuck no.

Your Soul-Level Guidance Experiment

If you're dealing with impossible family dynamics or struggling to find healing with someone who's harmed you, try this approach:

(Important note first - check your own capacity to deal with trauma responses before trying anything below. Sometimes the most important work we can do for our own awakening involves doing this kind of stuff within the relationship of a trusted therapist for ongoing support, okay?)

The Clear Distinction Practice: When you think about this person, consciously separate their traumatized human behavior from their soul essence. Ask yourself: "What gifts did their soul intend to give me, even if their human delivery system was harmful/fucked?" This isn't about making excuses for them or pretending the harm wasn't real. It's about recognizing that sometimes the most broken people inadvertently teach us the most valuable survival skills. My mother's dysfunction taught me pattern recognition that now protects me from other people's bullshit. That doesn't make her a good mother - it makes her an unwitting teacher whose lessons I can use without carrying her trauma.

The Higher Self Communication: Set aside time to have a conversation with their higher self - the version of them that exists beyond trauma, patterns, and earthly limitations. You can do this through meditation, journaling, or simply talking to them as if they're already in their healed state. Start with something like "I know your human form hurt me, but I'm curious what your soul was trying to accomplish." Don't expect immediate answers or profound revelations. Sometimes this work takes time to develop. And if nothing comes through, that's also information - maybe this person's higher self isn't accessible to you right now, and that's perfectly valid too.

The Boundary Integration: Notice what wisdom comes through, but maintain firm boundaries about what you will and won't accept. You can receive guidance from someone's soul while refusing to tolerate their human behavior. And practice discernment skills - guidance serves your highest good. Yes, a friend breakup is painful... but not if your immediate reaction to ending the relationship is relief. Sometimes guidance is gentle and loving, and sometimes you have to be the boundary setter in a way that feels painful for you. But guidance that causes harm? That's an ego-state talking, not higher self soul-level wisdom. Real soul guidance helps you function better in the world, not worse.

The Gratitude Reframe: Can you feel grateful for the strength and skills you developed because of their dysfunction, while still acknowledging that you deserved better treatment? This is the hardest part because it requires holding two seemingly contradictory truths: "I'm grateful for what I learned" and "I deserved so much better." Both can be true simultaneously. I'm grateful my mother taught me how to spot narcissistic patterns, AND I'm pissed that I needed those skills in the first place. The gratitude doesn't erase the legitimate anger about what should have been different.

The Bigger Picture

This approach has implications beyond individual healing. If we can learn to distinguish between people's soul essence and their traumatized behavior patterns, we might be able to navigate collective healing without constantly choosing between toxic positivity and complete write-offs.

Sometimes you absolutely do need to write people off - I've blocked numbers and cut contact when people can't stop playing games or causing harm. But this approach gives you more options than just "tolerate everything" or "burn all bridges." You can extract wisdom from someone's soul essence while refusing to engage with their dysfunction. You can honor what their higher self was trying to teach you while maintaining boundaries that actually protect your peace.

What This Doesn't Mean

Let me be crystal clear about what I'm not saying:

• I'm not suggesting you should excuse abusive behavior or pretend it was actually helpful

• I'm not saying you need to have relationships with people who continue to harm you

• I'm not implying that all trauma happens "for a reason" or that abuse is some kind of spiritual gift

• I'm not recommending you bypass the very real work of healing from the damage that was done

What This Does Mean

What I am suggesting is that healing doesn't always require traditional forgiveness. Sometimes it requires recognizing that people are more complex than their worst behavior, and that consciousness can provide guidance and gifts even through severely flawed delivery systems.

You can honor the strength you developed while still grieving the childhood you deserved. You can receive wisdom from someone's soul while maintaining boundaries about their human behavior. You can transform survival skills into empowerment tools without pretending the original trauma was acceptable.

Moving Forward with Impossible Grace

I never had the reconciliation conversation with my mother that I thought I needed. But through connecting with her soul-level guidance, I've found something more valuable: the ability to receive her gifts without carrying her trauma, to use her training without absorbing her pain, to honor what she offered while still acknowledging what she couldn't provide.

This doesn't erase the impact of growing up with an abusive parent. But it does mean that relationship can transform into something generative rather than remaining stuck in resentment and pain.

The Experiment Continues

I'm still learning how to navigate this territory. Some days I feel profound gratitude for the unconventional training my mother provided. Other days I grieve the nurturing mother I never had. Most days, both are true simultaneously alongside a whole host of other truths.

But what I know for certain is this: healing doesn't always look like traditional forgiveness, and wisdom doesn't always come from people who've figured out how to embody it perfectly in human form.

Sometimes the greatest gifts come through the most unexpected delivery systems. Sometimes our guides are the souls of people whose human forms couldn't hold their own light safely. Sometimes the path to healing requires us to love people's essence while refusing to accept their dysfunction.

It's messy, it's complicated, and it requires a level of discernment that most spiritual frameworks don't prepare us for. But it might also be one of the most profound forms of healing available to those of us navigating impossible family legacies.

If this resonates with your own experience of complex family healing, know that you're not alone in holding these paradoxes. The path between honoring gifts and refusing harm is narrow and difficult to walk, but it might be the only way forward for those of us whose greatest teachers were also our greatest wounds.

With love for the impossible complexity of human relationships and the healing that happens beyond traditional frameworks,

Charlie

This post is part of my weekly "Consciousness Explorers" series, where we experiment with awareness, reality creation, and the quantum mechanics of human experience. Subscribe to join our growing community of reality architects who thrive in the hard conversations.